Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

Worst bar ever.

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me: