satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
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If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”