Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

“You’re saying it’s all an act?

Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”