Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.

Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…