*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
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If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you