Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

I hope this email finds you in a well

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…