Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
You Might Also Like
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Lol
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job