Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
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[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
man i love columbo
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
