@Browtweaten

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

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@thepunningman

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

@sixfootcandy

Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

@sixfootcandy

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

@SJSchauer

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

@Marlebean

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

@redpawn3

I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets.

Hold it, you’re talking about BABIES?

@BritishNicx

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Just like me, they long to eat your sandwiches.

@bopinklady

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

@Brianhopecomedy

A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”

“Oh.”

“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”

@theDRaGnrebOrN

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.