@Browtweaten

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

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@SergioValenCo

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

@EJGomez

God: u can ask me 1 question
me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop
God:
[later]
devil: welcome to hell

@DanMentos

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

@amberfw

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

@threetimedaddy

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

@spackary

Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she out in the field with a shovel & idk man she’s diggin for somethin. Oh burying a body? Ok then

@philEfanaddict

[1st Date]

Her: I’ve had a hysterectomy
Him: I’ve had a vasectomy
Her: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Him: You gonna eat those fries?

@MasterOfFury

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.