Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
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{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog