Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

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Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”


Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.


Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.


Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic


When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”


I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets.

Hold it, you’re talking about BABIES?


Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Just like me, they long to eat your sandwiches.


Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows


A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”


“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”


Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.