Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

Human are so complicated

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

ok hear me out: Luigiana

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.