Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
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“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
🤔😂😂
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
🐕🍷
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?