Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
You Might Also Like
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
🖕🏻👽
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]