satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
What happened to the other hiker??!
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.
