satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
