Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
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“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”