Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
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I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree