Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

[road trip]

Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-

Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

Twitter is evidence that insane people can be extremely entertaining from a safe distance.

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

I just saw three bowls of dessert.

I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun

Jus’ sayin. 😐

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.

Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

A kebab made by a librarian is a

Shhhhhish kebab

#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe

There’s no “us” in nachos.

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.