Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”