Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
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There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
How I’d get arrested…
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I believe the plural is “milves.”
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle