Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
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It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first