Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?