Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?

BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?

TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..

Keep. Him. 😂

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.