Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

Van Gone