Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

Simple enough.

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.