Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
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*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.