Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
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Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”