Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
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Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”