Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!

Job interviewer:…and a weakness?

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”