Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

plums roundup

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?

Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!

Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.

Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!

Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance

if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.