Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
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Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Morning.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.