Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
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Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Basically, any European coat of arms:
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
The point of your 20s
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.