Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
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Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”