Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

gentlemen, hear me out

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.

motivation

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.