Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

road rage

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”