Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
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My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
the answer was staring at me all along
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants