Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

[etched on my tombstone]

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

Husband: you should get out of the house more

Me: *goes shopping*

Husband: not like that

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.