Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
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Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
fixed it
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.