SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
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I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8