satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
