satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
shut up and take my money
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
