Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

Husband: *driving*

Me: *breathing judgmentally*

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.