Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
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An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.