Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people