Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…

You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.