satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
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[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel