Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.