Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

Given the memory span of a goldfish…

Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

The USS B port

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
——————————
|

Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?