Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
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*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?