Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

I’m being attacked 😭

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy