Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
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I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
😂 amazing answer
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.