Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
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Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
These work great until they don’t.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Never deleting this app.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?