Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash

JERY: crypto?

GERGE: crypto

JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!

GERG: I did! but then it dipped again

JERY: it double dipped?

GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*

Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

My neck, my back, my…