Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
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Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”