@KizerBillhelm

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

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@daemonic3

The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.

@brandonleecool

Muslim: I do not eat bacon.

Jew: I do not eat bacon.

Me: I will have their bacon.

@Bob_Heller

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

@ThyArtIsMemes

I am calling for a truce between emos and kpop stans to take down the one true enemy, Ticketmaster

@RatBatallion

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

@AristotlesNZ

Me: There’s a real fat one on the other team!
Her: “My son’s not fat!”
How you know I was talking about him?
“Cuz he’s the..”
Fat one?
“Ya.”

@dreamthievin

Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?

@ellewasamistake

me: genocide is bad

guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?

me: it’s not

guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is

me: a-are those laminated

@not_delicate

“Oh yeah? Define obsessed,” I demand, as I pull my shirt back down to cover the tattoo of your face on my stomach