Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
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Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Yep.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.