Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
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Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
sliding into dms like
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.