Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
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Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets