Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

I quit my job to become an archeologist.

My career is in ruins.

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?

Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.

I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics

omg the susans have started to replicate please send he

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.