Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

[text]

H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?

M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”

“Why not?”

[fakes a sore throat]

“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…

…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here

Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol