Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.