Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
You Might Also Like
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.