Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
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cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.