Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
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Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Best table by far
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help