Saturday
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*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
😂🖐️
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I would move hell over six inches for you
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.