Saturday
You Might Also Like
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert