Saturday
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They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Sign of the day..
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that